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In My Garden by Joe Medrek
Set free on: August 20, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I’m free! I have been acquitted of the crime of murder by the Sovereign Judge of the land, and by the grace of God I saw this as truth and received it, and walked out of the prison that I had built and stayed in for close to thirty-two years!!! It is hard to share these specific details, but because of all the captives that need to be set free, I will go forth with this!
After I had an abortion, I had stuffed it so deep and never faced the fact of what I had done. Not long afterward I went into a severe depression and started taking antidepressants. I thought the side effect of the drug was a year of nightmares. I had so much fear that it felt like I actually lifted a few inches off of my bed at night. I never related these manifestations with the actual act of abortion!
I was separated from Levi’s father, and during this time I had gotten in trouble with the abortion. I was so afraid that he would find out that I was pregnant and take away my son so I didn’t know what to do! After the abortion I had so much guilt of being an unfit mother that I prepared to give up my son to his blood father. After I had packed the back of his truck with Levi’s belongings, I called up my boyfriend and told him what I was doing. He said to get all Levi’s things out of that truck because he was going to marry me and I was to keep my son!!!!
We brought Levi to a Christian doctor who specialized in autism, and we made an appointment for consultation and prayer for direction as to what the doctor would do for Levi. The only thing the doctor got from the Lord is that there was an area of my life I never properly dealt with, and this was a hindrance to Levi’s deliverance. Immediately I knew what the area was. Even though I had asked for forgiveness, I never really accepted what I had done, or did I receive forgiveness.
I was led to go to the other coast of Florida where this ministry dealt with the after effects of abortion. They could barely scratch the surface of my problem, but years after this, I was able to look at the impact of the sin of murder, what I could handle to receive, but then I would deeply stuff it again because the reality of it almost made me lose my mind.
I was led to try to accept the fact that my baby had died and tried to begin a grieving process. I wrote my baby girl, Alicia Marie, a letter, and I felt that she had forgiven me, but still I continued to stuff it, and continued to build strong prison walls around myself!!! This was going on to be thirty-two years, and I battled severe fear of going to a doctor where he had noticed that I had a huge fibroid tumor I had for twelve years when I had cursed my life and invited demons to come in to kill me!!! I wanted to die but I knew I could not commit suicide!
I started praying why am I so afraid to go to the doctor, why so much shame!!! The Lord showed me the last time I had ever gone to a gynecologist was when I had the abortion!!! The thought of any exam terrified me. I battled so much shame one morning recently that I thought I was going to die, but the enemy made me feel that I wasn’t to share this with my close friend in the Lord, but this was the one God used to set me free!!! I told her how I felt, and she couldn’t understand why I still battled if I asked the Lord to forgive me. Then she asked me if I had received the forgiveness from the Lord, and I said that I couldn’t understand why other murderers were in prison and I was not!!!
What the Lord did to bring me to the place where I could understand His justice and mercy was this experience. I was coming home from a church meeting an hour away at midnight, and I ended up going on a major highway that had a lot of construction going on. I missed my regular turn off and had to get off on an exit I wasn’t familiar with at night. I ended up going up the wrong side of a one-way highway and had to jump the median to get with the traffic going in the right direction. I was so upset that when I got to the road I had to turn to go home, I was in the wrong lane again, and I turned anyway. Here come two police cars with a dog ready to take me to the police station.
I was so nervous that I could not find my driver’s license nor could I remember my name of my street. After I found my license, registration and insurance card and while the policeman was calling in the information, I prayed for mercy from the Lord. When the policeman got back and I explained my situation, he understood and had mercy and he let me go!!! My girlfriend couldn’t believe that I went free when she had received a ticket for $140 for not completely stopping at a stop sign!! That same week the Lord poured out much favor upon me, and I was invited to a special worship service where the main top of teaching was God’s justice and mercy!
So He had me already prepared to receive what He was going to say to me as He set me free! Yes, He said in terms I could understand why I didn’t have to be in prison, because He being the Sovereign Judge had acquitted me of my crime and I was free to go! I was free to walk out of the prison that I had built around myself for thirty-two years! I cried and I laughed with such relief of this revelation, and that is why I now know that the enemy does not have any legal right to hinder my healing and deliverance for my son any longer!
All glory goes to the Lamb who sits on the throne and the Father who loves us so much! Even during one period where my husband was praying the fire over me, I fell on the floor in a fetal position, and I heard a very small voice crying out, “Mommy, no!” over and over again. I was actually acting out deep within me what I felt about my baby, and I didn’t even know what it was all about! Because I had taken my baby’s life, I didn’t want to live, but now that I have broken off all the curses of death off of my life, I am free to live the life God gave me, and free to set others free from this same captivity!!!!!